Tex the Pontificator

You may be surprised to know Allah has a position on soccer, but he does, at least according to a fatwah recently published in the Saudi newspaper al Watan. Several points are of interest, some more than others:

International terminology that heretics use, such as "foul," "penalty", "corner," "goal", "out" and others, should be abandoned and not said. Whoever says them should be punished and ejected from the game.

Who knew simple terminology had religious overtones? If they invent Islamic terms for game events, will they have to publish a cross-reference to show what terms refer to what events? Will the cross-reference itself be un-Islamic?

Do not call "foul" and stop the game if someone falls and sprains a hand or foot or the ball touches his hand, and do not give a yellow or red card to whoever was responsible for the injury or tackle. Instead, it should be adjudicated according to Sharia rulings concerning broken bones and injuries.

I confess to knowing little about Sharia, but I have to wonder how appropriate its religious penalties are for a ball game.

If you have fulfilled these conditions and intend to play soccer, play to strengthen the body in order better to struggle in the way of God on high and to prepare the body for when it is called to jihad. Soccer is not for passing time or the thrill of so-called victory.

Interesting. The crowd that's always allaying Westerm fears with assurances Islam is a religion of peace tells us that Jihad doesn't really mean religious war; it merely refers to an inner struggle to be a better person. If it's an inner struggle, how does being in good physical shape help?

Do not play in two halves. Rather, play in one half or three halves in order to completely differentiate yourselves from the heretics, the corrupted and the disobedient.

Islamic apologists are fond of reminding us the Arab world gave us algebra. True enough, as I understand it, but here's an Imam in need of remedial arithmetic. One half? Three halves? Most grade school kids know better than that.

You should use two posts instead of three pieces of wood or steel that you erect in order to put the ball between them, meaning that you should remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system's despotic international rules.

This is just one of several rules I have skipped prescribing how the game is to be played. By the time all these special rules are put into effect, I don't know what game the players will be playing, but it won't be soccer.

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